If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
My support group can outdrink your support group.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
