If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
😂😂
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me adding lol on a serious message
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
