If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
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Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”