If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns