Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*