Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

Confused owl: What?!

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”