If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Brilliant!
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards