@PyrBliss

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

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@JJSummertime

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

@OfficialYoniG

Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder

@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@SarcasticAlly12

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

@WeissBrandon

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!