If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.