Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

☠️☠️☠️

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

Your proctologist called. He found your head.