If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
#parenting
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.