If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Breakfast in bed.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves