If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.