If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
“It could be drugs,” I tell myself as I buy more books
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
WHO DID THIS?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income