If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
fair
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really