If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it