Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.