Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

TODAY

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*