Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Hit me in the face with a bird

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it