Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.