If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: