If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class