sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss
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People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.