@Jaywoo74

If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss

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@mostlysharks

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

@emilyyoshida

People who did a better job than Daenerys tonight:
-Sansa
-Melisandre
-The Night King
-Sleepytime nap boy “I’m ‘warging’“ Bran
-The wind
-The White Walker who ran after the book that Arya threw in the library

@RiverClegg

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

@sageboggs

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

@ramblinma

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

@badbanana

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

@jocylan

If I haven’t said something mildly offensive today I’m sorry and I promise to try harder

@the_hawlk

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

@slamdancenance

I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.