Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.