If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s