Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

Uh oh 👀

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.