Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!