Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag