If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him