@SortaBad

If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”

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@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

@juliussharpe

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

@kieransofar

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

@garrettbarry70

Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.

@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

@Coolisiana

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

@Stop_Trump20

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???