When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”
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So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Super excited about staying at my daughter’s place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???