Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

When he asks for feet pics

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

🤣

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.