If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You Might Also Like
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
definitely did not do anything wrong
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare