If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…