There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
How dramatic are you?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap