If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.