If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
This guy gets it.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.