Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Welcome to the stomach

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are