*Steve Carell washes hands*
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I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I grew up on cartoon violence
So naturally, when I fight, it’s a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
and my snacks…
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“Where are you all going?”
A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking.
“You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this’ll be great exposure for your band