My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
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never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
estão todos miauvindo?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.