@D_empiricist

If you don’t want your bananas to spoil, just hang them like this. makes them think they’re still on the tree

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@gobmentcheese

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

@ThaJawn

I grew up on cartoon violence

So naturally, when I fight, it’s a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about

@jaaaaaayyyyyyyy

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

@Shock_Monster

It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.

@crunchenhanced

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@FullGrownChris

“Where are you all going?”
A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking.
“You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this’ll be great exposure for your band