If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
respect
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.