If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
only 11 steps left
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.