Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

new dr. seuss book dropping:

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

certified hallow’s eve classic

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.