If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
This billboard speaks to me
