If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop