If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore