If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Worst bar ever.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Florida man
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
A great tip. #CakeRex
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*