If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!