If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
You Might Also Like
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
No, I don’t think I will.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.