Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits