If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.