Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

#Caturday

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME: