Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Body by Oreos

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole