Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Salad is the decaf of food.

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.