If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
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them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars