For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
You say stalker.
I say excellent research skills.
Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.
All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.