You Might Also Like

@TomSchally

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

@_elvishpresley_

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@FirecrackerKatt

You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.

@adamlucidi

All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.

@peytnhaag

$5 a week has been coming out of my bank for months and i only just realized i adopted a kangaroo named Poppy on New Year’s Eve while i was destroyed

@ericsshadow

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

@sad_jake

Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
Me: FUUUUUUUCK

@JimmerThatisAll

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.