@Boss_Lady0888: If you drink a bottle of wine before walking your dog, it kind of feels like he’s helping you solve a crime.
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@JohnLyonTweets: [summer] I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot. [fall and winter] I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark. [spring] It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
@markhoppus: Gonna replace my friends' hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.
@tnylgn: I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
@CatsForDinnerz: Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.