Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

I’m aging like a fine banana

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

I found your tweet-up…

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering