If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
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Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?