If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!