If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
You Might Also Like
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not