If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Good boy 😂😂
That’s no pocket rocket.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary