If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?