If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark