If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
just pretend nothing happened
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!