If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
What.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
☺️
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.