If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
emergency phone
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
me to God
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old