Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

wut hotdog?

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.