If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.