if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
You Might Also Like
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
🍞🦆
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
