Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

it’s finally my moment to shine

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies