Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

I wish this was real life…

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow