if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.