If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.