If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.